There are times in your life when you sit back and want just a day to yourself. A day to reflect on things you hope for your future, things you regret about your past, and things you wish for your loved ones. I haven't had a day like that in a long time, but I make the best of the time I do have. Reflecting on the past is something I used to do a lot, something I regret, something I wish and hope my son doesn't learn from me or anyone else for that matter. It's very damaging to yourself to reflect about things that occured in the past, things you can't change. Things that though they might have hurt, or really got to you, you cannot hold in your heart. We have all done or said things we are not proud of, but I am making a stand. Being a happier person let's so much light into your life, and allows you to bring light into others lives.
I have denied my husband light for a lot of this past year. Making excuses for my actions, and pinning it on hormones. When in reality, yes it was the hormones from pregnancy and giving birth, but that doesn't change the fact that it was me doing the harm. I regret the time I took away from our marriage, the times of laughter and love, but I just don't know how I can give it back. This is when I take a deep breath, hug my son, and tell myself you can't take it back but you can make a change for the future. Still fighting hormones every day, I am choosing to fight against them instead of letting them take control. My husband is my world, every ounce of my being that makes every day special to me. He gave me the reason for life, and that is our son. He deserves to be the happiest man on the planet, because he has given me so much to be thankful for, so much to enjoy. Yet, some how I found a way to hurt him by being a hateful person these past few months.
The last month I have felt a change, maybe even a balance in my feelings and emotions. After getting my IUD put in after giving birth I felt as though I never had a break from the "hell" I felt was inside me. None of this was my husbands fault, but yet I blamed it all on him. The calming of my emotions has let me think clearly and make decisions based on reason and cause, not emotions. I am lucky that he stood beside me through all of this, and still stands by me. I know he loves me, but after dealing with all of this, sometimes I feel as though I couldn't possibly deserve his love. Emotions are something that you just can't play with while pregnant and at least a year after birth. Especially if you have emotional issues before hand. Not having my mother around I knew this whole process would be tough, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. I let it get the best of me and missed out on some pretty amazing times in our life together. This is the last time I am going to look back on this emotional time in my life and feel the guilt about how I have been acting for the past few months. The doctors tell you about the mood swings, but you just brush it off. Don't because sometimes, with people like me, they aren't a joke. Mood swings during pregnancy can get very dangerous, and harmful if you let them take control. Luckily I had my husband beside me to help guide me through that really rough time in my life. There are going to be hard times ahead, but this is the day that I stop looking back to look forward. To get prepared to watch those problems slip right through my fingers, with a smile on my face, and my husband looking at me with admiration instead of disappointment.
