As my birthday approaches, I can't help but keep my mother on my mind. Has it really almost been 8 years already? One day doesn't pass where I do not question what she would do, what she would say, or what she would think. Everything I have done in my life since her death has been a direct result of what I believe she would want me to do.
It has been a really rough 8 years for me. Every huge milestone in my life...my mother was not here for. My first boyfriend, my first prom, getting my license, graduating, getting married, having a child, etc. She was not here for me to lean on when I needed someone to talk to, here to give me advice, or here for me to simply give my son to when I needed a break for a little bit. Trust me mom, I could use you right now, specifically for a session of our talks when my head would be in your lap as you'd comb through my hair with your fingers. As complicated as our relationship was, I know it was cut much too short and that it was only getting better.
One thing I know my mother would be proud of me for is for not denying myself the right to be myself. My mother was hated by a lot of people for being herself, but those who loved her for who she was, loved with a much more real and intense love than any others could. The saying "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not" really applied to her, and I live by the same motto. That is one thing I absolutely loved about my mother and believe I carry with me every day. That aspect of her life has set the tone for how I wish to lead mine and what I wish to do. As hard as she was to understand, she was a lover and a fighter. She'd love you to death, fight you when you were wrong, and forgive you when the day came to a close. She was a firecracker, but she was respected because she got the job done, and was good at what she did. Safe to say...I'm exactly like her minus the mouth of a sailor ;).
You know, I envy girls/women who still have their mom's around. Even if she get's on your nerves, at least she is here. She is here to go to for advice, and here to help you guide your way. My father knew nothing about raising children (my mother did most of the work), and so when he was left with us as teenagers, he had no idea what to do. He went into a deep depression and basically left my brother and I to fend for ourselves, in the sense of emotional support and so on. We had to find our own way, we had to answer our own questions, and we had to basically grow up much faster than we should have. Those who still have their moms around are lucky. The one thing I wish I could experience in relation to my mother doesn't even involve talking to her (although that's big on the list). I just want to feel her touch, smell her perfume, and hear her voice. I remember her touch, specifically when she'd check me for a fever. As her hand would swoop down a rush of her perfume would hit my nose and her cool, soft hand would graze my forehead. Even though I can remember this, I do not remember my mother's voice. I have completely forgotten what she sounds like and it crushes me. If you still have your mother around, cherish her. Don't take advantage of her or treat her poor. For once she's gone you will regret it, and miss her more than you can imagine...and it never goes away.
