He's home, life's exciting, and it's almost a new year!

It's the end of Trentons first year of life, that is crazy! I cannot believe our little muchkin is going on 2. Every day he seems to just amaze me more and more with the things he learns and some things he just seems to know.

So, Trevor is home, FINALLY! Gah, so glad that deployment is over.

Let me tell you, we are one lucky family. We love each other and have so much fun together :). I have to say, Trenton has some awesome parents..haha..but we are pretty lucky too ;). Trevor is such an awesome father, and gives me the warm fuzzies when I see him playing with Trenton or tucking him into bed. I have not been able to watch him bond with our son since he was a newborn, so it is just amazing to me. Luckily, we do not have to worry about him being away for at least 3 years. Although I am sure those three years are going to go way too fast!

I am very excited to watch Trenton grow and become a very intelligent, generous, kind, and wordly individual. We have decided he will be our only child, unless of course nature takes control and throws us a curve ball. We want to send him to private school, and get him into an amazing college. Knowing that we will be able to provide the best education and life for him is our top priority, we will do everything in our power to make that happen. We are searching for a preschool academy in Virginia Beach that we will send him to once he turns 3. Sure, some people may think that's a bit early, but we both see the knowledge this little one has going on in his brain. He is very intelligent and we want him to be able to use that as soon as possible. Plus, my plan is to start my career since I will have my degree by then. We will both be pulling in good money and will be able to afford to send him to a wonderful private k-12 school.

We are incredibly proud of our little man and both just want the best for him! Oh, and for those who are wondering about the only child aspect of our lives...we plan to have some 4 legged friends running around the house :). But trust me, Trenton will have no problems being an only child. He will know how to share just fine, and will have many many friends. We are not worried one bit! We know that one child will be enough for us personally, and we feel we can provide for one much better than we could for 2 or 3..at least the way we want to provide for our child/children.

So, here is to a new year. A new year to watch our child grow into a little boy, and a new year to watch my two men become best friends :).

The golden rule.

Isn't it funny how those who are accepted most are the ones to really not accept those of whom respect them? Ok, a bit confusing, but this is something that really bothers me. I have witnessed people in all walks of life be told they are truly accepted by the ones who love them or those around them, but those who are "accepting" are the first to critisize or judge them in a time of need.

Accepting someone is more than simply telling them they are "accepted" just to make them feel as though they are loved. It's more than telling them you care, or that you understand. Most times we do not understand what someone else is going through, but yet we still say "I understand". We don't..we do not understand what they are going through..unless of course we have been there. I accept people from the bottom of my heart..for who they are..what they believe, no matter if it's my kind of lifestyle or not. I do not judge you based on religion, sexual origin, or any other life determining factors. Even though I am accepting I witness hypocrites on a daily basis.

Sometimes I even find myself falling into the trap of "judging", but I don't. Deep down I do not judge them because I know what it feels like to be judged. Judged for your lifestyle and the kind of life you lead. When you don't feel "good enough", it just simply makes you push away. Pushing away is all that is left for you to do because people tell you they understand and accept you..but unfortunately they really don't. You are told you are accepted yet people say and do things behind your back relating to what they have "accepted" you for. It doesn't really make much sense.

You live your life for yourself and for what you see relevent for your lifestyle and family. Being judged is a part of life, but no one should ever have to actually know that it is occuring right under their nose. My life goal is to love as I wish to be loved...guess the "Golden Rule" still applies. Best lesson I could teach to anyone, and I will be handing it down to our child...

Loving who you are, and who he is.

Sometimes you look in the mirror and you question things about yourself. Who you are, what you do, who you associate with, etc. The one defining moment of anyones life is when they embrace who they are completely. I am so happy that my husband and I emrace who we are. While there may be some changes that could be made, we both realize those changes cannot be made in a days time, and we should not expect that. I can be completely myself with my husband, and I take that for granted at times.

I was judged by my mother a lot while growing up. Judged for not wanting to wear dresses (which she really disliked that I did), judged for wanting to be in color guard and not band, judged for wanting to go to a dance with a boy. It's not a good feeling to feel judged by someone, especially by someone who was supposed to be your number one fan. I loved my mother will all of my heart, but our relationship could have been better had I not felt like the ugly duckling of the family.

I've known who I am for a long time, and it is nice to be married to someone who loves me for that person. I've realized a lot in our marriage it is not about the flowers and the special dates that you have, those ARE nice, but it is about that quality time you get. How you spend that time together says a lot about your relationship. How do we spend our "quality time" together at home when Trevor is not deployed? These are usually the spots you can find us...

-Cuddled up on the couch, him layind down and me laying beside him with him running his hands through my hair while watching a movie.
-Me sitting on the couch with trevors head on a pillow in my lap while I run MY hands through HIS hair while watching his favorite show.
-Us in the living room playing video games together and him making fun of me.
-Chasing each other around the house like little kids just to find the other and lay a big one on their lips.

It is things like these that I miss the most when he is gone, and the things I take for granted. I love my husband so much, and cannot wait to welcome him home!

On the move...again.

In about 3+ weeks Trenton and I will be headed back to San Diego to make a home before daddy gets back. I couldn't be more excited about going back! There are little things that you take for granted when you have your own place to live. I am so thankful to both sides of the family for providing a place for us to stay, but it's time to go home! We will be getting into SD on Halloween and my friend will be picking us up to take us to base to get the car.
After grabbing the car I have to go sign the lease for our apartment and get the keys and what not! Then we will go get our hotel room and be in for the night! The next day (Monday) the movers will move everything into the apartment in the morning, and the cable company will come in the evening(ish) and we will have a home...hopefully..lol. Once we get settled in and Trenton is rested we will go shopping at Ikea which is literally right across the street from our complex! I couldn't be happier about the complex that we have chosen..it's gated, we'll have 2 bedrooms, we'll have a garage, they have 4 pools and a huge workout center, and shopping is near by!
It will be nice for Trenton to have a room again, and to have our stuff back! It's really hard living without any of your stuff for over 8 months! SD..we're coming home!

Outside of the Box

So, my mother was cremated after she passed away when I was 15. The night she died that's instantly what happened. The last time my brother and I saw her was the night before she died when she was barely breathing, and we knew it was the end. We never got to see her finally at peace.

I have been hurting since the night she died. I have been yearning to see my mother and be comforted by her, but she is not here. We do not have a grave to visit, or any kind of memorial. For the past few weeks I have been having dreams about my mother. The night she died, her coming and visiting me, and just her in general. I wake up crying because she isn't here. We didn't have the best relationship, but we never had the chance to develop one...so I feel cheated.

I've had a fear of actually viewing my mothers ashes since the day my dad brought her home...I wouldn't even step foot in the same room in which she was located. So, today I put my fears aside and took a look at the box. I knew she was in there, and as I shook, became clammy, and tears came to my eyes I took the box from the shelf. I took the box to my fathers side table and sat on the bed. I just sat there and read through the cremation documents, putting off what I knew I needed to do. So, I opened the lid, and instantly began sobbing. There she was, in a box in my fathers room, finally in view and there to talk to. These feelings haven't been present since her funeral, or maybe they have and I just deny they are there.

It is easier to pretend you aren't hurt and it doesn't impact you as much as it does. Yet, when it comes time to deal with situations that I need her in and she isn't there, the fact I haven't dealt with this pain makes the pain even worse.

So, I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed some more. Holding the box in my arms and just clenching to what I had left of my mother to remember. She is finally at peace and now maybe I can be too.

What is life like without a mom..

I'm not here to write anything inspiring or to write about how good or bad my day was. I am here to tell you exactly what life is like without having your mom around to raise you and be there for you.

My mother was not around to...

see me get my drivers license
see me graduate
see me get married
see her first grandchild

She hasn't be there to...

give me advice
help me through mother/daughter issues
dress me on my wedding day
call during pregnancy or any hard time for anything


I am angry. I am angry that she is not here. I am hurt that I have been left alone to deal with all of these things. I know what hurt and sadness feels like. I am now a much stronger woman, than many that I know, but I can't help but still be weak.

Sometimes you wonder how things in life got to where they are. You sit and think about the things that are, or the things that could have been. My brother and I hated each other when we were growing up, but now we are the best of friends. We hardly ever argue, and we can talk about anything with each other. Literally anything and that is what I love. I am so happy that we have the relationship that we do, because in hard times there is someone there who has always been there. When I feel like life is too much to handle my brother is there to talk to, take my baby and play with him, or just tell me to suck it up (in his loving way) and move on.

We have had our times where we really have wanted to strangle one another, but the truth is without each other we'd probably be lost. We developed this relationship after my mom passed away and unfortunately it took that horrible incident to make us realize what we had. Our open and honest relationship has made for a great friendship, one that we will cherish for the rest of our lives. I think everyone deserves a great relationship with every member of their family, because after all you do have the same blood!

So, thank you to my amazing brother. Thank you for always having my back and helping me in times of need. You are an amazing person and just know that I am here for you any time you need me as well. Thank you for talking with me about my feelings and allowing me to come to you when ever I need to release them. I am thankful for this, and thankful for you. <3

Sometimes, you just have to shut up, and let go.

Lately my mind has been racing with thoughts about this and that and what is wrong-what is right. Do I have the right answer, of course not, because everyone has their own answers and opinions. There is a Navy wife that I used to know in San Diego who just stays home as a wife, and spends time shopping and decorating their home. Yes, I have some opinions about this situation, and about her, but it is none of my business. This woman made it my business by spreading her daily outtings all over facebook, and I could not help but be angered. Not because I am jealous of her life, but because as a military wife, that is the kind of reputation we are trying to get away from. We should not live to satisfy ourselves and our own needs.

It is between her and her husband what she should do as a wife, but bragging about shopping, while your husband is hard at work is just not appropriate! It has been hard for me to ignore this persons posts so I ended up just taking her off of my friends list. I had nothing nice to say to her, because our lives and opinions are so completely different. My mother was in the back of my mind saying "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". There is a fine line that we as women cross, and much of it has to do with getting too involved with others business. Reading posts that angered me just did not seem healthy, so why deal with them!

I am glad that there are other military wives on my friends list who live their lives in appreciation for what their husbands do for this country. I am letting go of this negativity and releasing it to fate, do with it what you wish, just don't bring it back to me!

If pregnancy is supposed to be so beautiful, then why does it hurt so many in the process?

There are times in your life when you sit back and want just a day to yourself. A day to reflect on things you hope for your future, things you regret about your past, and things you wish for your loved ones. I haven't had a day like that in a long time, but I make the best of the time I do have. Reflecting on the past is something I used to do a lot, something I regret, something I wish and hope my son doesn't learn from me or anyone else for that matter. It's very damaging to yourself to reflect about things that occured in the past, things you can't change. Things that though they might have hurt, or really got to you, you cannot hold in your heart. We have all done or said things we are not proud of, but I am making a stand. Being a happier person let's so much light into your life, and allows you to bring light into others lives.

I have denied my husband light for a lot of this past year. Making excuses for my actions, and pinning it on hormones. When in reality, yes it was the hormones from pregnancy and giving birth, but that doesn't change the fact that it was me doing the harm. I regret the time I took away from our marriage, the times of laughter and love, but I just don't know how I can give it back. This is when I take a deep breath, hug my son, and tell myself you can't take it back but you can make a change for the future. Still fighting hormones every day, I am choosing to fight against them instead of letting them take control. My husband is my world, every ounce of my being that makes every day special to me. He gave me the reason for life, and that is our son. He deserves to be the happiest man on the planet, because he has given me so much to be thankful for, so much to enjoy. Yet, some how I found a way to hurt him by being a hateful person these past few months.

The last month I have felt a change, maybe even a balance in my feelings and emotions. After getting my IUD put in after giving birth I felt as though I never had a break from the "hell" I felt was inside me. None of this was my husbands fault, but yet I blamed it all on him. The calming of my emotions has let me think clearly and make decisions based on reason and cause, not emotions. I am lucky that he stood beside me through all of this, and still stands by me. I know he loves me, but after dealing with all of this, sometimes I feel as though I couldn't possibly deserve his love. Emotions are something that you just can't play with while pregnant and at least a year after birth. Especially if you have emotional issues before hand. Not having my mother around I knew this whole process would be tough, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. I let it get the best of me and missed out on some pretty amazing times in our life together. This is the last time I am going to look back on this emotional time in my life and feel the guilt about how I have been acting for the past few months. The doctors tell you about the mood swings, but you just brush it off. Don't because sometimes, with people like me, they aren't a joke. Mood swings during pregnancy can get very dangerous, and harmful if you let them take control. Luckily I had my husband beside me to help guide me through that really rough time in my life. There are going to be hard times ahead, but this is the day that I stop looking back to look forward. To get prepared to watch those problems slip right through my fingers, with a smile on my face, and my husband looking at me with admiration instead of disappointment.

The little things.

A lot of women want presents or money to be spent on them to be shown that they are loved. All I expect is a kiss when he walks through the door, thank you's, and for him to play with his son. These things show more love than any gift or date ever could, and the longer I am married to my husband the more I realize this. Money, material things, they are all just ways of satisfying an appetite for contentment in your life, or a way to feel secure. My husband and my son are literally all I need, besides a home of course, to feel like my life is where and how it should be going.

Too many people these days fantasize about that big house with nice cars and pleanty of cash flow. Sure that'd be nice, but what do you think get's you to that point in your life. People aren't happy with thinking when they first get married or are on their own that money will be tight. They aren't happy with thinking that they won't always get what they want. Well I am here to say, I have what I want and that is my family. If a lot of cash is found in our bank account years down the road that will be a product of a responsible and smart marriage. Money can always be earned, but the little things can always be passed up very easily. So take heart, and appreciate every day!

The end is near..

So Trenton and I have 3 weeks before we say goodbye to daddy for a couple months. He will then drive home for a week, and then we will say goodbye to him for a deployment. I am trying to be strong about this, for our son and really myself, but having to pack up the house myself is just leaving me moping and crying while trying to stuff our loving home into small boxes. Part of me just wants to rush through this and get things done, but half of it I can't do alone. I know in order to get this done and to make sure all affairs are in order, I can't feel sorry for myself, but saying goodbye to your first real home together as a family is harder than I thought it would be. I need to find the strength in me to get through this, to not cry every time I put something in a box, to not cry when I think about Trenton being 1 1/2 before he sees his daddy again. Deployment is a part of the military lifestyle and I have done it once before, but this is the first time I've ever had to pack up our home and prepare for a sinlge parent sort of lifestyle. Getting through it isn't the hard part, the only hard part right now that I see is getting it started.

no sleep, no time, no fun.

I have officially started the process of packing up our home. I have never done this before so I can only hope that I do it right and nothing will break. Packing with a 5 month old is very hard espcecially since I am going to have to do most of it myself. We have a storage facility reserved for us down the road, and we are selling the couch. Pretty sure all of our stuff will fit in a 7x13 considering we only have one bed, a huge tv, kitchen table, crib, and a dresser. Of course we have some other small things, but I'm pretty confident with some situating we can fit it all in! It's hard to plan out what will go in boxes, because a lot of the stuff we have won't be going in boxes, and what will go in boxes I've already packed. Wall hangings, pictures, books, movies, games. The kitchen stuff obviously, but I'm not ready to pack that yet. We still have a good 3 weeks before we have to be out of here, so I am just going to do a little bit each day. Today I got everything off the walls, and am going to have Trevor pack up his entertainment stuff once he get's home. We will get a truck from the storage facility, have some sailors over, and pack and move all in one day. Shouldn't be too bad :).

Our couch will be going soon, and we will be sitting on the floor. I posted it on craigs list thinking it would take a week or so, but no some body wants it now. That is fine, just wasn't planning on sitting on the floor for 3 weeks ;). The good thing about not having a lot of stuff in your home is the fact that you don't have a lot to pack when you move! I will throw out a lot of stuff that I could easily re-purchase or stuff that we won't use. It's bitter sweet to be packing everything, knowing that we won't have a "home" anymore that is ours..at least until Trevor get's home from deployment. I wish it were the fall and this deployment was almost over. It's going to be a rough 7 months, but I know we can do it, and we will come out stronger as a family for doing so! Life is hard sometimes, but I'm trying more and more to find that silver lining!

Money, life, and where it all goes...

We turned in our taxes and it looks as though we are going to get A LOT more back then we thought, that is if the IRS doesn't think otherwise ;). If this is the case then we will pay off all of our debt besides Trevors car payment, but I will be trading his car in for an SUV when I get back home any way. It will be nice to not have any debt when he deploys, that way I can work on saving money and really creating a good steady flow of cash into the bank account. It's kind of hard for me to budget right now because our paychecks change each week, so I just know what comes out and when and I go from there. Sure, we live paycheck to paycheck (for now), but at least we aren't using our credit cards like we could be! I am just ready to really start saving money and putting it away for our life down the road. I will give myself an allowance each week of what I can spend on certain things including groceries, and all the extras! To be successful at saving money you have to sacrafice buying for yourself. You know, I went to Target today and found a dress for 25.00 that I really loved and it looked great, I went to pay and had left my card at home. Maybe it was a sign or something, but that 25 dollars could definitely go somewhere else where it's actually needed. If I still want the dress it's always online ;). So please, if you have any secrets to how your family saves money and puts it away, please share!

Taking big steps, to make some big changes.

I like being known as mom and a wife to Trevor, but I recently did a lot of thinking and realized I am missing part of myself. Target was a good job for the "right now" portion of my life, but what happens 10 years down the road when Trenton is in school all day, do I really want to be working at a retail store getting 10 bucks an hour? No, I do not. Not because I am ashamed, but because I want to be proud of my job and honestly I wouldn't be ok with working at a retail store and not earning actual salary at the age of 30. So, I have a plan, a plan that some may not like or feel uncomfortable with but that is ok. It is my plan, and my husband stands beside me and that is most important to me!

I am going to school for Criminal Justice starting this spring. After getting an Associates degree in that field, and moving to our next DS, I will then apply to a police academy. I want to be a K9 cop, and it's been a dream of mine for a long time. For awhile I just looked at it as just that, a dream, but now I'm looking at it asking, why not? Being a wife and mother has been my dream my entire life, and I have fullfilled that dream, so I am on my way to my next one. I will always be a wife and mommy, but when Trenton hits the age to go to school, there is no reason for me to stay at home with him unless of course we have to home school. Yes I realize this job is very dangerous, and will be hard both mentally and physically, but I feel it's what I need in my life. Jobs that you let you just sit around all day really bore me and being that I get bored so easily, I need something that will give me a different scenerio every day. I realize some will not understand this decision and that is ok, because all I need is support. I will make a wonderful cop, and know that I will kick some butt! Officer Foote in the horizon? I can see it on a shiny name tag already :).

Moving? We are experts...

Looks as though Trenton and I will be headed back to Indiana a lot sooner than planned, thank you US Navy :-/. Trevor is going to be out underway a lot more than planned, and it would just be silly for us to stay here when we could be saving the money! Deployment is right around the corner, and I am ready. Ready to get it over with, but not ready for the emotions. We will only see Trevor maybe a week or so in May and then BAM he's gone for 7-8 months...horrible. We will miss a lot of things together, like our Anniversary, birthdays, and maybe even Christmas....again. This makes me sad, but at the same time I am some how thankful. I am thankful because I have a very loving, and caring husband who works very hard to support us. So, while he is gone it is my job to set up our bank account so when he get's home we have saved as much as possible! This will hopefully be our last deployment for a few years, and at our next duty station life will be easier, especially for Trevor.

There is so much to do between now and the middle of March. I have to find a storage facility, cancel our cable, move out of the house, PACK everything (nightmare), and make sure Trevor will be alright. I really hate this but I am strong and can do it, and will, because like the Navy for Trevor...this is my job.

Strollers, jogs, and the mirror..

Today made me realize that I am not fit almost at all anymore. Buying a new jogging stroller made me want to go out and take a jog, not "remembering" that I hadn't jogged in oh, let's say close to 9 months! AH! So, I made it maybe a half mile and just stopped and said to myself, "what in the world are you doing?!". I now realize I cannot just decide I want to jog again, I have to work up to it. So, I suppose I will be one of those girls looking like an older woman doing a power-walk for awhile :). That's ok with me if I feel better than death while taking my stroll.

You know those girls who have babies and just "bounce back" to their old bodies? Then you ask them, "how'd you get back down" and they say "oh I didn't do a thing". Oh my goodness how I envy those girls. I have cut out sweets, soda, and tried working out with my child, and I am still fighting the weight 4 months later. Don't get me wrong I am not at all saying I am by any means fat or that I haven't lost "enough" weight. I am saying however that I am the kind of girl that likes to be in shape and have a good work out. Being "in shape" to me means a toned body, and I WILL get there again. However, I will never lose my stretch marks which does hinder my thoughts when I look in the mirror, but then I look at Trentons gummy smile and remember what gave me those beautiful marks. So even if I have to see them every day, from now on I won't see them as a scar, but as a beauty mark :). I love Trenton more than anything in this world, so I'm not in a rush to get my old body back because I know it will come with time, just like his hair..someday ;).