Outside of the Box

So, my mother was cremated after she passed away when I was 15. The night she died that's instantly what happened. The last time my brother and I saw her was the night before she died when she was barely breathing, and we knew it was the end. We never got to see her finally at peace.

I have been hurting since the night she died. I have been yearning to see my mother and be comforted by her, but she is not here. We do not have a grave to visit, or any kind of memorial. For the past few weeks I have been having dreams about my mother. The night she died, her coming and visiting me, and just her in general. I wake up crying because she isn't here. We didn't have the best relationship, but we never had the chance to develop one...so I feel cheated.

I've had a fear of actually viewing my mothers ashes since the day my dad brought her home...I wouldn't even step foot in the same room in which she was located. So, today I put my fears aside and took a look at the box. I knew she was in there, and as I shook, became clammy, and tears came to my eyes I took the box from the shelf. I took the box to my fathers side table and sat on the bed. I just sat there and read through the cremation documents, putting off what I knew I needed to do. So, I opened the lid, and instantly began sobbing. There she was, in a box in my fathers room, finally in view and there to talk to. These feelings haven't been present since her funeral, or maybe they have and I just deny they are there.

It is easier to pretend you aren't hurt and it doesn't impact you as much as it does. Yet, when it comes time to deal with situations that I need her in and she isn't there, the fact I haven't dealt with this pain makes the pain even worse.

So, I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed some more. Holding the box in my arms and just clenching to what I had left of my mother to remember. She is finally at peace and now maybe I can be too.

What is life like without a mom..

I'm not here to write anything inspiring or to write about how good or bad my day was. I am here to tell you exactly what life is like without having your mom around to raise you and be there for you.

My mother was not around to...

see me get my drivers license
see me graduate
see me get married
see her first grandchild

She hasn't be there to...

give me advice
help me through mother/daughter issues
dress me on my wedding day
call during pregnancy or any hard time for anything


I am angry. I am angry that she is not here. I am hurt that I have been left alone to deal with all of these things. I know what hurt and sadness feels like. I am now a much stronger woman, than many that I know, but I can't help but still be weak.

Sometimes you wonder how things in life got to where they are. You sit and think about the things that are, or the things that could have been. My brother and I hated each other when we were growing up, but now we are the best of friends. We hardly ever argue, and we can talk about anything with each other. Literally anything and that is what I love. I am so happy that we have the relationship that we do, because in hard times there is someone there who has always been there. When I feel like life is too much to handle my brother is there to talk to, take my baby and play with him, or just tell me to suck it up (in his loving way) and move on.

We have had our times where we really have wanted to strangle one another, but the truth is without each other we'd probably be lost. We developed this relationship after my mom passed away and unfortunately it took that horrible incident to make us realize what we had. Our open and honest relationship has made for a great friendship, one that we will cherish for the rest of our lives. I think everyone deserves a great relationship with every member of their family, because after all you do have the same blood!

So, thank you to my amazing brother. Thank you for always having my back and helping me in times of need. You are an amazing person and just know that I am here for you any time you need me as well. Thank you for talking with me about my feelings and allowing me to come to you when ever I need to release them. I am thankful for this, and thankful for you. <3

Sometimes, you just have to shut up, and let go.

Lately my mind has been racing with thoughts about this and that and what is wrong-what is right. Do I have the right answer, of course not, because everyone has their own answers and opinions. There is a Navy wife that I used to know in San Diego who just stays home as a wife, and spends time shopping and decorating their home. Yes, I have some opinions about this situation, and about her, but it is none of my business. This woman made it my business by spreading her daily outtings all over facebook, and I could not help but be angered. Not because I am jealous of her life, but because as a military wife, that is the kind of reputation we are trying to get away from. We should not live to satisfy ourselves and our own needs.

It is between her and her husband what she should do as a wife, but bragging about shopping, while your husband is hard at work is just not appropriate! It has been hard for me to ignore this persons posts so I ended up just taking her off of my friends list. I had nothing nice to say to her, because our lives and opinions are so completely different. My mother was in the back of my mind saying "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". There is a fine line that we as women cross, and much of it has to do with getting too involved with others business. Reading posts that angered me just did not seem healthy, so why deal with them!

I am glad that there are other military wives on my friends list who live their lives in appreciation for what their husbands do for this country. I am letting go of this negativity and releasing it to fate, do with it what you wish, just don't bring it back to me!

If pregnancy is supposed to be so beautiful, then why does it hurt so many in the process?

There are times in your life when you sit back and want just a day to yourself. A day to reflect on things you hope for your future, things you regret about your past, and things you wish for your loved ones. I haven't had a day like that in a long time, but I make the best of the time I do have. Reflecting on the past is something I used to do a lot, something I regret, something I wish and hope my son doesn't learn from me or anyone else for that matter. It's very damaging to yourself to reflect about things that occured in the past, things you can't change. Things that though they might have hurt, or really got to you, you cannot hold in your heart. We have all done or said things we are not proud of, but I am making a stand. Being a happier person let's so much light into your life, and allows you to bring light into others lives.

I have denied my husband light for a lot of this past year. Making excuses for my actions, and pinning it on hormones. When in reality, yes it was the hormones from pregnancy and giving birth, but that doesn't change the fact that it was me doing the harm. I regret the time I took away from our marriage, the times of laughter and love, but I just don't know how I can give it back. This is when I take a deep breath, hug my son, and tell myself you can't take it back but you can make a change for the future. Still fighting hormones every day, I am choosing to fight against them instead of letting them take control. My husband is my world, every ounce of my being that makes every day special to me. He gave me the reason for life, and that is our son. He deserves to be the happiest man on the planet, because he has given me so much to be thankful for, so much to enjoy. Yet, some how I found a way to hurt him by being a hateful person these past few months.

The last month I have felt a change, maybe even a balance in my feelings and emotions. After getting my IUD put in after giving birth I felt as though I never had a break from the "hell" I felt was inside me. None of this was my husbands fault, but yet I blamed it all on him. The calming of my emotions has let me think clearly and make decisions based on reason and cause, not emotions. I am lucky that he stood beside me through all of this, and still stands by me. I know he loves me, but after dealing with all of this, sometimes I feel as though I couldn't possibly deserve his love. Emotions are something that you just can't play with while pregnant and at least a year after birth. Especially if you have emotional issues before hand. Not having my mother around I knew this whole process would be tough, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. I let it get the best of me and missed out on some pretty amazing times in our life together. This is the last time I am going to look back on this emotional time in my life and feel the guilt about how I have been acting for the past few months. The doctors tell you about the mood swings, but you just brush it off. Don't because sometimes, with people like me, they aren't a joke. Mood swings during pregnancy can get very dangerous, and harmful if you let them take control. Luckily I had my husband beside me to help guide me through that really rough time in my life. There are going to be hard times ahead, but this is the day that I stop looking back to look forward. To get prepared to watch those problems slip right through my fingers, with a smile on my face, and my husband looking at me with admiration instead of disappointment.

The little things.

A lot of women want presents or money to be spent on them to be shown that they are loved. All I expect is a kiss when he walks through the door, thank you's, and for him to play with his son. These things show more love than any gift or date ever could, and the longer I am married to my husband the more I realize this. Money, material things, they are all just ways of satisfying an appetite for contentment in your life, or a way to feel secure. My husband and my son are literally all I need, besides a home of course, to feel like my life is where and how it should be going.

Too many people these days fantasize about that big house with nice cars and pleanty of cash flow. Sure that'd be nice, but what do you think get's you to that point in your life. People aren't happy with thinking when they first get married or are on their own that money will be tight. They aren't happy with thinking that they won't always get what they want. Well I am here to say, I have what I want and that is my family. If a lot of cash is found in our bank account years down the road that will be a product of a responsible and smart marriage. Money can always be earned, but the little things can always be passed up very easily. So take heart, and appreciate every day!

The end is near..

So Trenton and I have 3 weeks before we say goodbye to daddy for a couple months. He will then drive home for a week, and then we will say goodbye to him for a deployment. I am trying to be strong about this, for our son and really myself, but having to pack up the house myself is just leaving me moping and crying while trying to stuff our loving home into small boxes. Part of me just wants to rush through this and get things done, but half of it I can't do alone. I know in order to get this done and to make sure all affairs are in order, I can't feel sorry for myself, but saying goodbye to your first real home together as a family is harder than I thought it would be. I need to find the strength in me to get through this, to not cry every time I put something in a box, to not cry when I think about Trenton being 1 1/2 before he sees his daddy again. Deployment is a part of the military lifestyle and I have done it once before, but this is the first time I've ever had to pack up our home and prepare for a sinlge parent sort of lifestyle. Getting through it isn't the hard part, the only hard part right now that I see is getting it started.