He's home, life's exciting, and it's almost a new year!

It's the end of Trentons first year of life, that is crazy! I cannot believe our little muchkin is going on 2. Every day he seems to just amaze me more and more with the things he learns and some things he just seems to know.

So, Trevor is home, FINALLY! Gah, so glad that deployment is over.

Let me tell you, we are one lucky family. We love each other and have so much fun together :). I have to say, Trenton has some awesome parents..haha..but we are pretty lucky too ;). Trevor is such an awesome father, and gives me the warm fuzzies when I see him playing with Trenton or tucking him into bed. I have not been able to watch him bond with our son since he was a newborn, so it is just amazing to me. Luckily, we do not have to worry about him being away for at least 3 years. Although I am sure those three years are going to go way too fast!

I am very excited to watch Trenton grow and become a very intelligent, generous, kind, and wordly individual. We have decided he will be our only child, unless of course nature takes control and throws us a curve ball. We want to send him to private school, and get him into an amazing college. Knowing that we will be able to provide the best education and life for him is our top priority, we will do everything in our power to make that happen. We are searching for a preschool academy in Virginia Beach that we will send him to once he turns 3. Sure, some people may think that's a bit early, but we both see the knowledge this little one has going on in his brain. He is very intelligent and we want him to be able to use that as soon as possible. Plus, my plan is to start my career since I will have my degree by then. We will both be pulling in good money and will be able to afford to send him to a wonderful private k-12 school.

We are incredibly proud of our little man and both just want the best for him! Oh, and for those who are wondering about the only child aspect of our lives...we plan to have some 4 legged friends running around the house :). But trust me, Trenton will have no problems being an only child. He will know how to share just fine, and will have many many friends. We are not worried one bit! We know that one child will be enough for us personally, and we feel we can provide for one much better than we could for 2 or 3..at least the way we want to provide for our child/children.

So, here is to a new year. A new year to watch our child grow into a little boy, and a new year to watch my two men become best friends :).

The golden rule.

Isn't it funny how those who are accepted most are the ones to really not accept those of whom respect them? Ok, a bit confusing, but this is something that really bothers me. I have witnessed people in all walks of life be told they are truly accepted by the ones who love them or those around them, but those who are "accepting" are the first to critisize or judge them in a time of need.

Accepting someone is more than simply telling them they are "accepted" just to make them feel as though they are loved. It's more than telling them you care, or that you understand. Most times we do not understand what someone else is going through, but yet we still say "I understand". We don't..we do not understand what they are going through..unless of course we have been there. I accept people from the bottom of my heart..for who they are..what they believe, no matter if it's my kind of lifestyle or not. I do not judge you based on religion, sexual origin, or any other life determining factors. Even though I am accepting I witness hypocrites on a daily basis.

Sometimes I even find myself falling into the trap of "judging", but I don't. Deep down I do not judge them because I know what it feels like to be judged. Judged for your lifestyle and the kind of life you lead. When you don't feel "good enough", it just simply makes you push away. Pushing away is all that is left for you to do because people tell you they understand and accept you..but unfortunately they really don't. You are told you are accepted yet people say and do things behind your back relating to what they have "accepted" you for. It doesn't really make much sense.

You live your life for yourself and for what you see relevent for your lifestyle and family. Being judged is a part of life, but no one should ever have to actually know that it is occuring right under their nose. My life goal is to love as I wish to be loved...guess the "Golden Rule" still applies. Best lesson I could teach to anyone, and I will be handing it down to our child...

Loving who you are, and who he is.

Sometimes you look in the mirror and you question things about yourself. Who you are, what you do, who you associate with, etc. The one defining moment of anyones life is when they embrace who they are completely. I am so happy that my husband and I emrace who we are. While there may be some changes that could be made, we both realize those changes cannot be made in a days time, and we should not expect that. I can be completely myself with my husband, and I take that for granted at times.

I was judged by my mother a lot while growing up. Judged for not wanting to wear dresses (which she really disliked that I did), judged for wanting to be in color guard and not band, judged for wanting to go to a dance with a boy. It's not a good feeling to feel judged by someone, especially by someone who was supposed to be your number one fan. I loved my mother will all of my heart, but our relationship could have been better had I not felt like the ugly duckling of the family.

I've known who I am for a long time, and it is nice to be married to someone who loves me for that person. I've realized a lot in our marriage it is not about the flowers and the special dates that you have, those ARE nice, but it is about that quality time you get. How you spend that time together says a lot about your relationship. How do we spend our "quality time" together at home when Trevor is not deployed? These are usually the spots you can find us...

-Cuddled up on the couch, him layind down and me laying beside him with him running his hands through my hair while watching a movie.
-Me sitting on the couch with trevors head on a pillow in my lap while I run MY hands through HIS hair while watching his favorite show.
-Us in the living room playing video games together and him making fun of me.
-Chasing each other around the house like little kids just to find the other and lay a big one on their lips.

It is things like these that I miss the most when he is gone, and the things I take for granted. I love my husband so much, and cannot wait to welcome him home!

On the move...again.

In about 3+ weeks Trenton and I will be headed back to San Diego to make a home before daddy gets back. I couldn't be more excited about going back! There are little things that you take for granted when you have your own place to live. I am so thankful to both sides of the family for providing a place for us to stay, but it's time to go home! We will be getting into SD on Halloween and my friend will be picking us up to take us to base to get the car.
After grabbing the car I have to go sign the lease for our apartment and get the keys and what not! Then we will go get our hotel room and be in for the night! The next day (Monday) the movers will move everything into the apartment in the morning, and the cable company will come in the evening(ish) and we will have a home...hopefully..lol. Once we get settled in and Trenton is rested we will go shopping at Ikea which is literally right across the street from our complex! I couldn't be happier about the complex that we have chosen..it's gated, we'll have 2 bedrooms, we'll have a garage, they have 4 pools and a huge workout center, and shopping is near by!
It will be nice for Trenton to have a room again, and to have our stuff back! It's really hard living without any of your stuff for over 8 months! SD..we're coming home!

Outside of the Box

So, my mother was cremated after she passed away when I was 15. The night she died that's instantly what happened. The last time my brother and I saw her was the night before she died when she was barely breathing, and we knew it was the end. We never got to see her finally at peace.

I have been hurting since the night she died. I have been yearning to see my mother and be comforted by her, but she is not here. We do not have a grave to visit, or any kind of memorial. For the past few weeks I have been having dreams about my mother. The night she died, her coming and visiting me, and just her in general. I wake up crying because she isn't here. We didn't have the best relationship, but we never had the chance to develop one...so I feel cheated.

I've had a fear of actually viewing my mothers ashes since the day my dad brought her home...I wouldn't even step foot in the same room in which she was located. So, today I put my fears aside and took a look at the box. I knew she was in there, and as I shook, became clammy, and tears came to my eyes I took the box from the shelf. I took the box to my fathers side table and sat on the bed. I just sat there and read through the cremation documents, putting off what I knew I needed to do. So, I opened the lid, and instantly began sobbing. There she was, in a box in my fathers room, finally in view and there to talk to. These feelings haven't been present since her funeral, or maybe they have and I just deny they are there.

It is easier to pretend you aren't hurt and it doesn't impact you as much as it does. Yet, when it comes time to deal with situations that I need her in and she isn't there, the fact I haven't dealt with this pain makes the pain even worse.

So, I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed some more. Holding the box in my arms and just clenching to what I had left of my mother to remember. She is finally at peace and now maybe I can be too.

What is life like without a mom..

I'm not here to write anything inspiring or to write about how good or bad my day was. I am here to tell you exactly what life is like without having your mom around to raise you and be there for you.

My mother was not around to...

see me get my drivers license
see me graduate
see me get married
see her first grandchild

She hasn't be there to...

give me advice
help me through mother/daughter issues
dress me on my wedding day
call during pregnancy or any hard time for anything


I am angry. I am angry that she is not here. I am hurt that I have been left alone to deal with all of these things. I know what hurt and sadness feels like. I am now a much stronger woman, than many that I know, but I can't help but still be weak.

Sometimes you wonder how things in life got to where they are. You sit and think about the things that are, or the things that could have been. My brother and I hated each other when we were growing up, but now we are the best of friends. We hardly ever argue, and we can talk about anything with each other. Literally anything and that is what I love. I am so happy that we have the relationship that we do, because in hard times there is someone there who has always been there. When I feel like life is too much to handle my brother is there to talk to, take my baby and play with him, or just tell me to suck it up (in his loving way) and move on.

We have had our times where we really have wanted to strangle one another, but the truth is without each other we'd probably be lost. We developed this relationship after my mom passed away and unfortunately it took that horrible incident to make us realize what we had. Our open and honest relationship has made for a great friendship, one that we will cherish for the rest of our lives. I think everyone deserves a great relationship with every member of their family, because after all you do have the same blood!

So, thank you to my amazing brother. Thank you for always having my back and helping me in times of need. You are an amazing person and just know that I am here for you any time you need me as well. Thank you for talking with me about my feelings and allowing me to come to you when ever I need to release them. I am thankful for this, and thankful for you. <3