We recently had the transmission in the mustang completely replaced. Well, yesterday it decided to make some not so healthy noises and now we have to take it back in. Here's to hoping that it is in fact the transmission (most likely), because we have warranty on it. It's one thing after another isn't it? :Sigh: C'est la vie..
In other news, I'm getting pretty excited about moving to VA beach this summer. Even though I didn't really care for it when we lived there a couple years ago, I'm excited for the opportunities it will present for our family and Trevors career. We will be able to have Trevor home, and actually feel some what like a normal family for awhile...ah..that will be nice..wait..what does that feel like? I cannot say that I know what it feels like to be a normal family, but that is alright because that's why our love is so strong. We are going on our third year of marriage and we have only spent 1 anniversary together, 1 christmas, 1 of each of our birthdays, and well...you get the idea. Haven't got to spend a lot of time together, so it will be nice :).
We are looking to adopt a dog (hopefully german shepherd at a rescue) when we move to VA...you know..since Trenton won't get a sibling lol. Plus, he loves dogs and it's such a joy to watch him play with them :). What little boy does not deserve his own pet? I mean come on..I can't deny Trenton a wonderful play mate to grow up with that he will NEVER fight with. Oh, that will be nice...no fighting...always playing..woo! At least until the dog chews on his toys..haha.
Sometimes I wonder if it's fair to Trenton for us to not give him a sibling but then I realize it wouldn't be fair TO give him a sibling. We do not want to have another child, and feel that if we did have another one it would do more damage than good. I mean why have another baby that you truly do not want to have in the first place that you could possibly resent later? Ok, call me evil for saying that, but having Trenton was extremely hard on our marriage, extremely hard on me personally, and honestly I just don't want to go through that again. Sure, we could say "Oh it'll be different next time"..sure we could say that, but would it? Honestly, I'm perfectly content with our angel baby and do not want to take the chance of being incredibly unhappy again. I am VERY happy with where we are and ME, and guess what...I'm sane!
With just one child we will be able to give Trenton the life he deserves, and have a wonderful life and marriage after he is grown and out of the house. Trenton was not planned and since I had him young I will only be 38 when he graduates..haha..that sounds so young lol! I can have a wonderful career, and still enjoy an exciting life once he is in college! Yes that is right, I am actually looking forward to our life after he is out of the house...nothing wrong with that. We want to travel and live as a happily married couple...not just walk around the house ignoring one another because we lost who we truly are. When people have children, sometimes they tend to lose themselves, and we don't want that. We love who we are, who we are together, and there is nothing wrong with loving THAT in your life. We love being married to one another, and just want to enjoy each other and our love/friendship through out our lives...we feel that love is enough to fulfill us. Plus, I know Trenton will give me some incredibly cute grandchildren ;).
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Thursday, December 30, 2010
He's home, life's exciting, and it's almost a new year!
It's the end of Trentons first year of life, that is crazy! I cannot believe our little muchkin is going on 2. Every day he seems to just amaze me more and more with the things he learns and some things he just seems to know.
So, Trevor is home, FINALLY! Gah, so glad that deployment is over.
Let me tell you, we are one lucky family. We love each other and have so much fun together :). I have to say, Trenton has some awesome parents..haha..but we are pretty lucky too ;). Trevor is such an awesome father, and gives me the warm fuzzies when I see him playing with Trenton or tucking him into bed. I have not been able to watch him bond with our son since he was a newborn, so it is just amazing to me. Luckily, we do not have to worry about him being away for at least 3 years. Although I am sure those three years are going to go way too fast!
I am very excited to watch Trenton grow and become a very intelligent, generous, kind, and wordly individual. We have decided he will be our only child, unless of course nature takes control and throws us a curve ball. We want to send him to private school, and get him into an amazing college. Knowing that we will be able to provide the best education and life for him is our top priority, we will do everything in our power to make that happen. We are searching for a preschool academy in Virginia Beach that we will send him to once he turns 3. Sure, some people may think that's a bit early, but we both see the knowledge this little one has going on in his brain. He is very intelligent and we want him to be able to use that as soon as possible. Plus, my plan is to start my career since I will have my degree by then. We will both be pulling in good money and will be able to afford to send him to a wonderful private k-12 school.
We are incredibly proud of our little man and both just want the best for him! Oh, and for those who are wondering about the only child aspect of our lives...we plan to have some 4 legged friends running around the house :). But trust me, Trenton will have no problems being an only child. He will know how to share just fine, and will have many many friends. We are not worried one bit! We know that one child will be enough for us personally, and we feel we can provide for one much better than we could for 2 or 3..at least the way we want to provide for our child/children.
So, here is to a new year. A new year to watch our child grow into a little boy, and a new year to watch my two men become best friends :).
So, Trevor is home, FINALLY! Gah, so glad that deployment is over.
Let me tell you, we are one lucky family. We love each other and have so much fun together :). I have to say, Trenton has some awesome parents..haha..but we are pretty lucky too ;). Trevor is such an awesome father, and gives me the warm fuzzies when I see him playing with Trenton or tucking him into bed. I have not been able to watch him bond with our son since he was a newborn, so it is just amazing to me. Luckily, we do not have to worry about him being away for at least 3 years. Although I am sure those three years are going to go way too fast!
I am very excited to watch Trenton grow and become a very intelligent, generous, kind, and wordly individual. We have decided he will be our only child, unless of course nature takes control and throws us a curve ball. We want to send him to private school, and get him into an amazing college. Knowing that we will be able to provide the best education and life for him is our top priority, we will do everything in our power to make that happen. We are searching for a preschool academy in Virginia Beach that we will send him to once he turns 3. Sure, some people may think that's a bit early, but we both see the knowledge this little one has going on in his brain. He is very intelligent and we want him to be able to use that as soon as possible. Plus, my plan is to start my career since I will have my degree by then. We will both be pulling in good money and will be able to afford to send him to a wonderful private k-12 school.
We are incredibly proud of our little man and both just want the best for him! Oh, and for those who are wondering about the only child aspect of our lives...we plan to have some 4 legged friends running around the house :). But trust me, Trenton will have no problems being an only child. He will know how to share just fine, and will have many many friends. We are not worried one bit! We know that one child will be enough for us personally, and we feel we can provide for one much better than we could for 2 or 3..at least the way we want to provide for our child/children.
So, here is to a new year. A new year to watch our child grow into a little boy, and a new year to watch my two men become best friends :).
Monday, November 22, 2010
The golden rule.
Isn't it funny how those who are accepted most are the ones to really not accept those of whom respect them? Ok, a bit confusing, but this is something that really bothers me. I have witnessed people in all walks of life be told they are truly accepted by the ones who love them or those around them, but those who are "accepting" are the first to critisize or judge them in a time of need.
Accepting someone is more than simply telling them they are "accepted" just to make them feel as though they are loved. It's more than telling them you care, or that you understand. Most times we do not understand what someone else is going through, but yet we still say "I understand". We don't..we do not understand what they are going through..unless of course we have been there. I accept people from the bottom of my heart..for who they are..what they believe, no matter if it's my kind of lifestyle or not. I do not judge you based on religion, sexual origin, or any other life determining factors. Even though I am accepting I witness hypocrites on a daily basis.
Sometimes I even find myself falling into the trap of "judging", but I don't. Deep down I do not judge them because I know what it feels like to be judged. Judged for your lifestyle and the kind of life you lead. When you don't feel "good enough", it just simply makes you push away. Pushing away is all that is left for you to do because people tell you they understand and accept you..but unfortunately they really don't. You are told you are accepted yet people say and do things behind your back relating to what they have "accepted" you for. It doesn't really make much sense.
You live your life for yourself and for what you see relevent for your lifestyle and family. Being judged is a part of life, but no one should ever have to actually know that it is occuring right under their nose. My life goal is to love as I wish to be loved...guess the "Golden Rule" still applies. Best lesson I could teach to anyone, and I will be handing it down to our child...
Accepting someone is more than simply telling them they are "accepted" just to make them feel as though they are loved. It's more than telling them you care, or that you understand. Most times we do not understand what someone else is going through, but yet we still say "I understand". We don't..we do not understand what they are going through..unless of course we have been there. I accept people from the bottom of my heart..for who they are..what they believe, no matter if it's my kind of lifestyle or not. I do not judge you based on religion, sexual origin, or any other life determining factors. Even though I am accepting I witness hypocrites on a daily basis.
Sometimes I even find myself falling into the trap of "judging", but I don't. Deep down I do not judge them because I know what it feels like to be judged. Judged for your lifestyle and the kind of life you lead. When you don't feel "good enough", it just simply makes you push away. Pushing away is all that is left for you to do because people tell you they understand and accept you..but unfortunately they really don't. You are told you are accepted yet people say and do things behind your back relating to what they have "accepted" you for. It doesn't really make much sense.
You live your life for yourself and for what you see relevent for your lifestyle and family. Being judged is a part of life, but no one should ever have to actually know that it is occuring right under their nose. My life goal is to love as I wish to be loved...guess the "Golden Rule" still applies. Best lesson I could teach to anyone, and I will be handing it down to our child...
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Loving who you are, and who he is.
Sometimes you look in the mirror and you question things about yourself. Who you are, what you do, who you associate with, etc. The one defining moment of anyones life is when they embrace who they are completely. I am so happy that my husband and I emrace who we are. While there may be some changes that could be made, we both realize those changes cannot be made in a days time, and we should not expect that. I can be completely myself with my husband, and I take that for granted at times.
I was judged by my mother a lot while growing up. Judged for not wanting to wear dresses (which she really disliked that I did), judged for wanting to be in color guard and not band, judged for wanting to go to a dance with a boy. It's not a good feeling to feel judged by someone, especially by someone who was supposed to be your number one fan. I loved my mother will all of my heart, but our relationship could have been better had I not felt like the ugly duckling of the family.
I've known who I am for a long time, and it is nice to be married to someone who loves me for that person. I've realized a lot in our marriage it is not about the flowers and the special dates that you have, those ARE nice, but it is about that quality time you get. How you spend that time together says a lot about your relationship. How do we spend our "quality time" together at home when Trevor is not deployed? These are usually the spots you can find us...
-Cuddled up on the couch, him layind down and me laying beside him with him running his hands through my hair while watching a movie.
-Me sitting on the couch with trevors head on a pillow in my lap while I run MY hands through HIS hair while watching his favorite show.
-Us in the living room playing video games together and him making fun of me.
-Chasing each other around the house like little kids just to find the other and lay a big one on their lips.
It is things like these that I miss the most when he is gone, and the things I take for granted. I love my husband so much, and cannot wait to welcome him home!
I was judged by my mother a lot while growing up. Judged for not wanting to wear dresses (which she really disliked that I did), judged for wanting to be in color guard and not band, judged for wanting to go to a dance with a boy. It's not a good feeling to feel judged by someone, especially by someone who was supposed to be your number one fan. I loved my mother will all of my heart, but our relationship could have been better had I not felt like the ugly duckling of the family.
I've known who I am for a long time, and it is nice to be married to someone who loves me for that person. I've realized a lot in our marriage it is not about the flowers and the special dates that you have, those ARE nice, but it is about that quality time you get. How you spend that time together says a lot about your relationship. How do we spend our "quality time" together at home when Trevor is not deployed? These are usually the spots you can find us...
-Cuddled up on the couch, him layind down and me laying beside him with him running his hands through my hair while watching a movie.
-Me sitting on the couch with trevors head on a pillow in my lap while I run MY hands through HIS hair while watching his favorite show.
-Us in the living room playing video games together and him making fun of me.
-Chasing each other around the house like little kids just to find the other and lay a big one on their lips.
It is things like these that I miss the most when he is gone, and the things I take for granted. I love my husband so much, and cannot wait to welcome him home!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
On the move...again.
In about 3+ weeks Trenton and I will be headed back to San Diego to make a home before daddy gets back. I couldn't be more excited about going back! There are little things that you take for granted when you have your own place to live. I am so thankful to both sides of the family for providing a place for us to stay, but it's time to go home! We will be getting into SD on Halloween and my friend will be picking us up to take us to base to get the car.
After grabbing the car I have to go sign the lease for our apartment and get the keys and what not! Then we will go get our hotel room and be in for the night! The next day (Monday) the movers will move everything into the apartment in the morning, and the cable company will come in the evening(ish) and we will have a home...hopefully..lol. Once we get settled in and Trenton is rested we will go shopping at Ikea which is literally right across the street from our complex! I couldn't be happier about the complex that we have chosen..it's gated, we'll have 2 bedrooms, we'll have a garage, they have 4 pools and a huge workout center, and shopping is near by!
It will be nice for Trenton to have a room again, and to have our stuff back! It's really hard living without any of your stuff for over 8 months! SD..we're coming home!
After grabbing the car I have to go sign the lease for our apartment and get the keys and what not! Then we will go get our hotel room and be in for the night! The next day (Monday) the movers will move everything into the apartment in the morning, and the cable company will come in the evening(ish) and we will have a home...hopefully..lol. Once we get settled in and Trenton is rested we will go shopping at Ikea which is literally right across the street from our complex! I couldn't be happier about the complex that we have chosen..it's gated, we'll have 2 bedrooms, we'll have a garage, they have 4 pools and a huge workout center, and shopping is near by!
It will be nice for Trenton to have a room again, and to have our stuff back! It's really hard living without any of your stuff for over 8 months! SD..we're coming home!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Outside of the Box
So, my mother was cremated after she passed away when I was 15. The night she died that's instantly what happened. The last time my brother and I saw her was the night before she died when she was barely breathing, and we knew it was the end. We never got to see her finally at peace.
I have been hurting since the night she died. I have been yearning to see my mother and be comforted by her, but she is not here. We do not have a grave to visit, or any kind of memorial. For the past few weeks I have been having dreams about my mother. The night she died, her coming and visiting me, and just her in general. I wake up crying because she isn't here. We didn't have the best relationship, but we never had the chance to develop one...so I feel cheated.
I've had a fear of actually viewing my mothers ashes since the day my dad brought her home...I wouldn't even step foot in the same room in which she was located. So, today I put my fears aside and took a look at the box. I knew she was in there, and as I shook, became clammy, and tears came to my eyes I took the box from the shelf. I took the box to my fathers side table and sat on the bed. I just sat there and read through the cremation documents, putting off what I knew I needed to do. So, I opened the lid, and instantly began sobbing. There she was, in a box in my fathers room, finally in view and there to talk to. These feelings haven't been present since her funeral, or maybe they have and I just deny they are there.
It is easier to pretend you aren't hurt and it doesn't impact you as much as it does. Yet, when it comes time to deal with situations that I need her in and she isn't there, the fact I haven't dealt with this pain makes the pain even worse.
So, I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed some more. Holding the box in my arms and just clenching to what I had left of my mother to remember. She is finally at peace and now maybe I can be too.
I have been hurting since the night she died. I have been yearning to see my mother and be comforted by her, but she is not here. We do not have a grave to visit, or any kind of memorial. For the past few weeks I have been having dreams about my mother. The night she died, her coming and visiting me, and just her in general. I wake up crying because she isn't here. We didn't have the best relationship, but we never had the chance to develop one...so I feel cheated.
I've had a fear of actually viewing my mothers ashes since the day my dad brought her home...I wouldn't even step foot in the same room in which she was located. So, today I put my fears aside and took a look at the box. I knew she was in there, and as I shook, became clammy, and tears came to my eyes I took the box from the shelf. I took the box to my fathers side table and sat on the bed. I just sat there and read through the cremation documents, putting off what I knew I needed to do. So, I opened the lid, and instantly began sobbing. There she was, in a box in my fathers room, finally in view and there to talk to. These feelings haven't been present since her funeral, or maybe they have and I just deny they are there.
It is easier to pretend you aren't hurt and it doesn't impact you as much as it does. Yet, when it comes time to deal with situations that I need her in and she isn't there, the fact I haven't dealt with this pain makes the pain even worse.
So, I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed some more. Holding the box in my arms and just clenching to what I had left of my mother to remember. She is finally at peace and now maybe I can be too.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
What is life like without a mom..
I'm not here to write anything inspiring or to write about how good or bad my day was. I am here to tell you exactly what life is like without having your mom around to raise you and be there for you.
My mother was not around to...
see me get my drivers license
see me graduate
see me get married
see her first grandchild
She hasn't be there to...
give me advice
help me through mother/daughter issues
dress me on my wedding day
call during pregnancy or any hard time for anything
I am angry. I am angry that she is not here. I am hurt that I have been left alone to deal with all of these things. I know what hurt and sadness feels like. I am now a much stronger woman, than many that I know, but I can't help but still be weak.
My mother was not around to...
see me get my drivers license
see me graduate
see me get married
see her first grandchild
She hasn't be there to...
give me advice
help me through mother/daughter issues
dress me on my wedding day
call during pregnancy or any hard time for anything
I am angry. I am angry that she is not here. I am hurt that I have been left alone to deal with all of these things. I know what hurt and sadness feels like. I am now a much stronger woman, than many that I know, but I can't help but still be weak.
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