8 years and it still feels like yesterday.

As my birthday approaches, I can't help but keep my mother on my mind. Has it really almost been 8 years already? One day doesn't pass where I do not question what she would do, what she would say, or what she would think. Everything I have done in my life since her death has been a direct result of what I believe she would want me to do.

It has been a really rough 8 years for me. Every huge milestone in my life...my mother was not here for. My first boyfriend, my first prom, getting my license, graduating, getting married, having a child, etc. She was not here for me to lean on when I needed someone to talk to, here to give me advice, or here for me to simply give my son to when I needed a break for a little bit. Trust me mom, I could use you right now, specifically for a session of our talks when my head would be in your lap as you'd comb through my hair with your fingers. As complicated as our relationship was, I know it was cut much too short and that it was only getting better.

One thing I know my mother would be proud of me for is for not denying myself the right to be myself. My mother was hated by a lot of people for being herself, but those who loved her for who she was, loved with a much more real and intense love than any others could. The saying "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not" really applied to her, and I live by the same motto. That is one thing I absolutely loved about my mother and believe I carry with me every day. That aspect of her life has set the tone for how I wish to lead mine and what I wish to do. As hard as she was to understand, she was a lover and a fighter. She'd love you to death, fight you when you were wrong, and forgive you when the day came to a close. She was a firecracker, but she was respected because she got the job done, and was good at what she did. Safe to say...I'm exactly like her minus the mouth of a sailor ;).

You know, I envy girls/women who still have their mom's around. Even if she get's on your nerves, at least she is here. She is here to go to for advice, and here to help you guide your way. My father knew nothing about raising children (my mother did most of the work), and so when he was left with us as teenagers, he had no idea what to do. He went into a deep depression and basically left my brother and I to fend for ourselves, in the sense of emotional support and so on. We had to find our own way, we had to answer our own questions, and we had to basically grow up much faster than we should have. Those who still have their moms around are lucky. The one thing I wish I could experience in relation to my mother doesn't even involve talking to her (although that's big on the list). I just want to feel her touch, smell her perfume, and hear her voice. I remember her touch, specifically when she'd check me for a fever. As her hand would swoop down a rush of her perfume would hit my nose and her cool, soft hand would graze my forehead. Even though I can remember this, I do not remember my mother's voice. I have completely forgotten what she sounds like and it crushes me. If you still have your mother around, cherish her. Don't take advantage of her or treat her poor. For once she's gone you will regret it, and miss her more than you can imagine...and it never goes away.

Just a little bit of help...

Trenton recently had his 2 year well-child visit and it went great. He is a very healthy 2 year old, however the doctor and myself both have a slight concern. Trenton is very well advanced in his motor skills, but seems to be falling a bit behind the curve with his speech. I mean this child can already operate all the elecronics in our home (turn on dvd players..including starting the movie, play computer games, turn on and operate my iPhone), he is very interested in puzzles and has no trouble putting them together, and he just understands and does things that children his age normally don't. We think that his brain has been focusing so much on the motor skills that his language has fallen a bit behind.

We do not think he has a "real" problem with speech, because he understands everything we say and more. However, we just think he is having a problem getting everything out that he wants, and knows how, to say. Obviously every child is different and they grow at different rates, but we just want to make sure that he starts articulating things correctly now so that he does not have a real problem as he gets older. I was a bit concerned when the doctor first recommended speech therapy until he encouraged me that it has nothing to do with a child's IQ (in most cases), because Trenton is obviously very bright. So, I came home and did some research and discovered that a lot of very smart individuals had some troubles with speech and it seems their brains developed the same way. The brain focused so much on the mechanics of everything around them that the speech suffered, but when they could speak they spoke in full sentences. I am by no means saying our child is going to be a genius, or prodigy, but it is very encouraging to know that this is just a minor set back for a very bright future for Trenton.

When something like this happens you tend to focus on the things that you could have done to prevent it. Could I have done anything to prevent something like this from happening? No, probably not, and for me that is tough. I read to him every night, we sit and recite his ABC's, colors, and 123's every night, and we hold "conversations" with him at the dinner table. I talk to him all day long, but he just babbles, and every now and then spits out a word or two. We know there are words in there, they just need a little bit of help getting out!

A long hiatus.

Wow, it has been a long time since I have come to my page to write and share my most inner thoughts. I took a break for awhile because we had a lot going on and I just did not have the time to sit down and write some good posts. A friend stopped by my blog last night and told me how much she enjoyed reading my posts, so I though I'd come freshen things up a bit!

Things have changed a lot since my last post, and are always evolving. We moved to Virginia Beach and are loving it so far. Trevor is home all the time and we can actually be a normal family. He even makes it home for lunch every day and is able to lay Trenton down for his naps :). I'm still in school for Criminal Justice, and will be continuing my education at ODU (hopefully) next fall to earn my bachelors. Trevor is planning to get out of the military after this enlistment so that I can pursue my career, and so that he can be happy with a career that he will love as well. While the military pays for a good life, we would just much rather be a civilian family! I have met a really awesome friend here in the complex, and she's from Indiana and is a Navy wife as well...small world :).

Right now I'm busy with Trenton, who will be two next week (holy cow), training our dogs, and doing my school work. Dog training is something that I have come to love, because as long as you put in the work, you will see the results. Gunner has a one on one trainer who meets us every week to teach us how to properly handle/train him in obedience. It's amazing to see the difference the training has made in him, and his temperament! He loves it when the kids at the playground come and give him lots of love :).

We recently got a new puppy to be Gunner's playmate. She is an Australian Shepherd and we named her Kora, which stands for "a companion" in Australia. She is 12 weeks and already knows how to sit and lay, she is so stinkin' smart...and FAST! So, that's what we have been up to for the past few months...nothing too exciting. I know, boring post, but just had to catch everyone up! :)!

Life is just funny sometimes...hardy har har har..

We recently had the transmission in the mustang completely replaced. Well, yesterday it decided to make some not so healthy noises and now we have to take it back in. Here's to hoping that it is in fact the transmission (most likely), because we have warranty on it. It's one thing after another isn't it? :Sigh: C'est la vie..

In other news, I'm getting pretty excited about moving to VA beach this summer. Even though I didn't really care for it when we lived there a couple years ago, I'm excited for the opportunities it will present for our family and Trevors career. We will be able to have Trevor home, and actually feel some what like a normal family for awhile...ah..that will be nice..wait..what does that feel like? I cannot say that I know what it feels like to be a normal family, but that is alright because that's why our love is so strong. We are going on our third year of marriage and we have only spent 1 anniversary together, 1 christmas, 1 of each of our birthdays, and well...you get the idea. Haven't got to spend a lot of time together, so it will be nice :).

We are looking to adopt a dog (hopefully german shepherd at a rescue) when we move to VA...you know..since Trenton won't get a sibling lol. Plus, he loves dogs and it's such a joy to watch him play with them :). What little boy does not deserve his own pet? I mean come on..I can't deny Trenton a wonderful play mate to grow up with that he will NEVER fight with. Oh, that will be nice...no fighting...always playing..woo! At least until the dog chews on his toys..haha.

Sometimes I wonder if it's fair to Trenton for us to not give him a sibling but then I realize it wouldn't be fair TO give him a sibling. We do not want to have another child, and feel that if we did have another one it would do more damage than good. I mean why have another baby that you truly do not want to have in the first place that you could possibly resent later? Ok, call me evil for saying that, but having Trenton was extremely hard on our marriage, extremely hard on me personally, and honestly I just don't want to go through that again. Sure, we could say "Oh it'll be different next time"..sure we could say that, but would it? Honestly, I'm perfectly content with our angel baby and do not want to take the chance of being incredibly unhappy again. I am VERY happy with where we are and ME, and guess what...I'm sane!

With just one child we will be able to give Trenton the life he deserves, and have a wonderful life and marriage after he is grown and out of the house. Trenton was not planned and since I had him young I will only be 38 when he graduates..haha..that sounds so young lol! I can have a wonderful career, and still enjoy an exciting life once he is in college! Yes that is right, I am actually looking forward to our life after he is out of the house...nothing wrong with that. We want to travel and live as a happily married couple...not just walk around the house ignoring one another because we lost who we truly are. When people have children, sometimes they tend to lose themselves, and we don't want that. We love who we are, who we are together, and there is nothing wrong with loving THAT in your life. We love being married to one another, and just want to enjoy each other and our love/friendship through out our lives...we feel that love is enough to fulfill us. Plus, I know Trenton will give me some incredibly cute grandchildren ;).

He's home, life's exciting, and it's almost a new year!

It's the end of Trentons first year of life, that is crazy! I cannot believe our little muchkin is going on 2. Every day he seems to just amaze me more and more with the things he learns and some things he just seems to know.

So, Trevor is home, FINALLY! Gah, so glad that deployment is over.

Let me tell you, we are one lucky family. We love each other and have so much fun together :). I have to say, Trenton has some awesome parents..haha..but we are pretty lucky too ;). Trevor is such an awesome father, and gives me the warm fuzzies when I see him playing with Trenton or tucking him into bed. I have not been able to watch him bond with our son since he was a newborn, so it is just amazing to me. Luckily, we do not have to worry about him being away for at least 3 years. Although I am sure those three years are going to go way too fast!

I am very excited to watch Trenton grow and become a very intelligent, generous, kind, and wordly individual. We have decided he will be our only child, unless of course nature takes control and throws us a curve ball. We want to send him to private school, and get him into an amazing college. Knowing that we will be able to provide the best education and life for him is our top priority, we will do everything in our power to make that happen. We are searching for a preschool academy in Virginia Beach that we will send him to once he turns 3. Sure, some people may think that's a bit early, but we both see the knowledge this little one has going on in his brain. He is very intelligent and we want him to be able to use that as soon as possible. Plus, my plan is to start my career since I will have my degree by then. We will both be pulling in good money and will be able to afford to send him to a wonderful private k-12 school.

We are incredibly proud of our little man and both just want the best for him! Oh, and for those who are wondering about the only child aspect of our lives...we plan to have some 4 legged friends running around the house :). But trust me, Trenton will have no problems being an only child. He will know how to share just fine, and will have many many friends. We are not worried one bit! We know that one child will be enough for us personally, and we feel we can provide for one much better than we could for 2 or 3..at least the way we want to provide for our child/children.

So, here is to a new year. A new year to watch our child grow into a little boy, and a new year to watch my two men become best friends :).

The golden rule.

Isn't it funny how those who are accepted most are the ones to really not accept those of whom respect them? Ok, a bit confusing, but this is something that really bothers me. I have witnessed people in all walks of life be told they are truly accepted by the ones who love them or those around them, but those who are "accepting" are the first to critisize or judge them in a time of need.

Accepting someone is more than simply telling them they are "accepted" just to make them feel as though they are loved. It's more than telling them you care, or that you understand. Most times we do not understand what someone else is going through, but yet we still say "I understand". We don't..we do not understand what they are going through..unless of course we have been there. I accept people from the bottom of my heart..for who they are..what they believe, no matter if it's my kind of lifestyle or not. I do not judge you based on religion, sexual origin, or any other life determining factors. Even though I am accepting I witness hypocrites on a daily basis.

Sometimes I even find myself falling into the trap of "judging", but I don't. Deep down I do not judge them because I know what it feels like to be judged. Judged for your lifestyle and the kind of life you lead. When you don't feel "good enough", it just simply makes you push away. Pushing away is all that is left for you to do because people tell you they understand and accept you..but unfortunately they really don't. You are told you are accepted yet people say and do things behind your back relating to what they have "accepted" you for. It doesn't really make much sense.

You live your life for yourself and for what you see relevent for your lifestyle and family. Being judged is a part of life, but no one should ever have to actually know that it is occuring right under their nose. My life goal is to love as I wish to be loved...guess the "Golden Rule" still applies. Best lesson I could teach to anyone, and I will be handing it down to our child...

Loving who you are, and who he is.

Sometimes you look in the mirror and you question things about yourself. Who you are, what you do, who you associate with, etc. The one defining moment of anyones life is when they embrace who they are completely. I am so happy that my husband and I emrace who we are. While there may be some changes that could be made, we both realize those changes cannot be made in a days time, and we should not expect that. I can be completely myself with my husband, and I take that for granted at times.

I was judged by my mother a lot while growing up. Judged for not wanting to wear dresses (which she really disliked that I did), judged for wanting to be in color guard and not band, judged for wanting to go to a dance with a boy. It's not a good feeling to feel judged by someone, especially by someone who was supposed to be your number one fan. I loved my mother will all of my heart, but our relationship could have been better had I not felt like the ugly duckling of the family.

I've known who I am for a long time, and it is nice to be married to someone who loves me for that person. I've realized a lot in our marriage it is not about the flowers and the special dates that you have, those ARE nice, but it is about that quality time you get. How you spend that time together says a lot about your relationship. How do we spend our "quality time" together at home when Trevor is not deployed? These are usually the spots you can find us...

-Cuddled up on the couch, him layind down and me laying beside him with him running his hands through my hair while watching a movie.
-Me sitting on the couch with trevors head on a pillow in my lap while I run MY hands through HIS hair while watching his favorite show.
-Us in the living room playing video games together and him making fun of me.
-Chasing each other around the house like little kids just to find the other and lay a big one on their lips.

It is things like these that I miss the most when he is gone, and the things I take for granted. I love my husband so much, and cannot wait to welcome him home!