If pregnancy is supposed to be so beautiful, then why does it hurt so many in the process?

There are times in your life when you sit back and want just a day to yourself. A day to reflect on things you hope for your future, things you regret about your past, and things you wish for your loved ones. I haven't had a day like that in a long time, but I make the best of the time I do have. Reflecting on the past is something I used to do a lot, something I regret, something I wish and hope my son doesn't learn from me or anyone else for that matter. It's very damaging to yourself to reflect about things that occured in the past, things you can't change. Things that though they might have hurt, or really got to you, you cannot hold in your heart. We have all done or said things we are not proud of, but I am making a stand. Being a happier person let's so much light into your life, and allows you to bring light into others lives.

I have denied my husband light for a lot of this past year. Making excuses for my actions, and pinning it on hormones. When in reality, yes it was the hormones from pregnancy and giving birth, but that doesn't change the fact that it was me doing the harm. I regret the time I took away from our marriage, the times of laughter and love, but I just don't know how I can give it back. This is when I take a deep breath, hug my son, and tell myself you can't take it back but you can make a change for the future. Still fighting hormones every day, I am choosing to fight against them instead of letting them take control. My husband is my world, every ounce of my being that makes every day special to me. He gave me the reason for life, and that is our son. He deserves to be the happiest man on the planet, because he has given me so much to be thankful for, so much to enjoy. Yet, some how I found a way to hurt him by being a hateful person these past few months.

The last month I have felt a change, maybe even a balance in my feelings and emotions. After getting my IUD put in after giving birth I felt as though I never had a break from the "hell" I felt was inside me. None of this was my husbands fault, but yet I blamed it all on him. The calming of my emotions has let me think clearly and make decisions based on reason and cause, not emotions. I am lucky that he stood beside me through all of this, and still stands by me. I know he loves me, but after dealing with all of this, sometimes I feel as though I couldn't possibly deserve his love. Emotions are something that you just can't play with while pregnant and at least a year after birth. Especially if you have emotional issues before hand. Not having my mother around I knew this whole process would be tough, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. I let it get the best of me and missed out on some pretty amazing times in our life together. This is the last time I am going to look back on this emotional time in my life and feel the guilt about how I have been acting for the past few months. The doctors tell you about the mood swings, but you just brush it off. Don't because sometimes, with people like me, they aren't a joke. Mood swings during pregnancy can get very dangerous, and harmful if you let them take control. Luckily I had my husband beside me to help guide me through that really rough time in my life. There are going to be hard times ahead, but this is the day that I stop looking back to look forward. To get prepared to watch those problems slip right through my fingers, with a smile on my face, and my husband looking at me with admiration instead of disappointment.

The little things.

A lot of women want presents or money to be spent on them to be shown that they are loved. All I expect is a kiss when he walks through the door, thank you's, and for him to play with his son. These things show more love than any gift or date ever could, and the longer I am married to my husband the more I realize this. Money, material things, they are all just ways of satisfying an appetite for contentment in your life, or a way to feel secure. My husband and my son are literally all I need, besides a home of course, to feel like my life is where and how it should be going.

Too many people these days fantasize about that big house with nice cars and pleanty of cash flow. Sure that'd be nice, but what do you think get's you to that point in your life. People aren't happy with thinking when they first get married or are on their own that money will be tight. They aren't happy with thinking that they won't always get what they want. Well I am here to say, I have what I want and that is my family. If a lot of cash is found in our bank account years down the road that will be a product of a responsible and smart marriage. Money can always be earned, but the little things can always be passed up very easily. So take heart, and appreciate every day!

The end is near..

So Trenton and I have 3 weeks before we say goodbye to daddy for a couple months. He will then drive home for a week, and then we will say goodbye to him for a deployment. I am trying to be strong about this, for our son and really myself, but having to pack up the house myself is just leaving me moping and crying while trying to stuff our loving home into small boxes. Part of me just wants to rush through this and get things done, but half of it I can't do alone. I know in order to get this done and to make sure all affairs are in order, I can't feel sorry for myself, but saying goodbye to your first real home together as a family is harder than I thought it would be. I need to find the strength in me to get through this, to not cry every time I put something in a box, to not cry when I think about Trenton being 1 1/2 before he sees his daddy again. Deployment is a part of the military lifestyle and I have done it once before, but this is the first time I've ever had to pack up our home and prepare for a sinlge parent sort of lifestyle. Getting through it isn't the hard part, the only hard part right now that I see is getting it started.

no sleep, no time, no fun.

I have officially started the process of packing up our home. I have never done this before so I can only hope that I do it right and nothing will break. Packing with a 5 month old is very hard espcecially since I am going to have to do most of it myself. We have a storage facility reserved for us down the road, and we are selling the couch. Pretty sure all of our stuff will fit in a 7x13 considering we only have one bed, a huge tv, kitchen table, crib, and a dresser. Of course we have some other small things, but I'm pretty confident with some situating we can fit it all in! It's hard to plan out what will go in boxes, because a lot of the stuff we have won't be going in boxes, and what will go in boxes I've already packed. Wall hangings, pictures, books, movies, games. The kitchen stuff obviously, but I'm not ready to pack that yet. We still have a good 3 weeks before we have to be out of here, so I am just going to do a little bit each day. Today I got everything off the walls, and am going to have Trevor pack up his entertainment stuff once he get's home. We will get a truck from the storage facility, have some sailors over, and pack and move all in one day. Shouldn't be too bad :).

Our couch will be going soon, and we will be sitting on the floor. I posted it on craigs list thinking it would take a week or so, but no some body wants it now. That is fine, just wasn't planning on sitting on the floor for 3 weeks ;). The good thing about not having a lot of stuff in your home is the fact that you don't have a lot to pack when you move! I will throw out a lot of stuff that I could easily re-purchase or stuff that we won't use. It's bitter sweet to be packing everything, knowing that we won't have a "home" anymore that is ours..at least until Trevor get's home from deployment. I wish it were the fall and this deployment was almost over. It's going to be a rough 7 months, but I know we can do it, and we will come out stronger as a family for doing so! Life is hard sometimes, but I'm trying more and more to find that silver lining!

Money, life, and where it all goes...

We turned in our taxes and it looks as though we are going to get A LOT more back then we thought, that is if the IRS doesn't think otherwise ;). If this is the case then we will pay off all of our debt besides Trevors car payment, but I will be trading his car in for an SUV when I get back home any way. It will be nice to not have any debt when he deploys, that way I can work on saving money and really creating a good steady flow of cash into the bank account. It's kind of hard for me to budget right now because our paychecks change each week, so I just know what comes out and when and I go from there. Sure, we live paycheck to paycheck (for now), but at least we aren't using our credit cards like we could be! I am just ready to really start saving money and putting it away for our life down the road. I will give myself an allowance each week of what I can spend on certain things including groceries, and all the extras! To be successful at saving money you have to sacrafice buying for yourself. You know, I went to Target today and found a dress for 25.00 that I really loved and it looked great, I went to pay and had left my card at home. Maybe it was a sign or something, but that 25 dollars could definitely go somewhere else where it's actually needed. If I still want the dress it's always online ;). So please, if you have any secrets to how your family saves money and puts it away, please share!

Taking big steps, to make some big changes.

I like being known as mom and a wife to Trevor, but I recently did a lot of thinking and realized I am missing part of myself. Target was a good job for the "right now" portion of my life, but what happens 10 years down the road when Trenton is in school all day, do I really want to be working at a retail store getting 10 bucks an hour? No, I do not. Not because I am ashamed, but because I want to be proud of my job and honestly I wouldn't be ok with working at a retail store and not earning actual salary at the age of 30. So, I have a plan, a plan that some may not like or feel uncomfortable with but that is ok. It is my plan, and my husband stands beside me and that is most important to me!

I am going to school for Criminal Justice starting this spring. After getting an Associates degree in that field, and moving to our next DS, I will then apply to a police academy. I want to be a K9 cop, and it's been a dream of mine for a long time. For awhile I just looked at it as just that, a dream, but now I'm looking at it asking, why not? Being a wife and mother has been my dream my entire life, and I have fullfilled that dream, so I am on my way to my next one. I will always be a wife and mommy, but when Trenton hits the age to go to school, there is no reason for me to stay at home with him unless of course we have to home school. Yes I realize this job is very dangerous, and will be hard both mentally and physically, but I feel it's what I need in my life. Jobs that you let you just sit around all day really bore me and being that I get bored so easily, I need something that will give me a different scenerio every day. I realize some will not understand this decision and that is ok, because all I need is support. I will make a wonderful cop, and know that I will kick some butt! Officer Foote in the horizon? I can see it on a shiny name tag already :).

Moving? We are experts...

Looks as though Trenton and I will be headed back to Indiana a lot sooner than planned, thank you US Navy :-/. Trevor is going to be out underway a lot more than planned, and it would just be silly for us to stay here when we could be saving the money! Deployment is right around the corner, and I am ready. Ready to get it over with, but not ready for the emotions. We will only see Trevor maybe a week or so in May and then BAM he's gone for 7-8 months...horrible. We will miss a lot of things together, like our Anniversary, birthdays, and maybe even Christmas....again. This makes me sad, but at the same time I am some how thankful. I am thankful because I have a very loving, and caring husband who works very hard to support us. So, while he is gone it is my job to set up our bank account so when he get's home we have saved as much as possible! This will hopefully be our last deployment for a few years, and at our next duty station life will be easier, especially for Trevor.

There is so much to do between now and the middle of March. I have to find a storage facility, cancel our cable, move out of the house, PACK everything (nightmare), and make sure Trevor will be alright. I really hate this but I am strong and can do it, and will, because like the Navy for Trevor...this is my job.